Let’s talk Singleness…
In our culture, we don’t talk enough about singleness. When we do mention it, it is often about how we would rather be in a relationship. This problem only gets worse within the Church. Pastors and sermons frequently elevate dating and marriage over singleness, most of the time without realizing it. Singleness however is just like any other season of life, and it should be discussed to understand its strategic importance and benefits in our lives. Over the next few sections, I’m going to tackle some common misconceptions about singleness, some of which I’ve had, that hopefully can help you regardless of where in relationships you are.
Before we start…
As you read this, it is important for you to know a little bit about me. I’m a male second-year college student and I have been single my entire life. I have some amazing female friends who I really admire. I’m really looking forward to dating, eventually marrying, and living with a best friend. With that all being said, however, I have decided for a variety of reasons to stay in a season of singleness for now.
Let’s start with some misconceptions! They have no order and little continuity, so feel free to just read the ones that interest you.
“I’m jealous of my friends’ relationships”
I’ve personally never really been jealous of the relationships my friends have, but I understand that there are people who definitely do. My friend Claire was recently on a podcast where they discussed friendships with different relationship statuses, and they covered this exact issue. For me, hearing about my friends’ relationships has given me advice for both the future and also my current state of singleness. I couldn’t be happier when I see their relationships advance and flourish, even if at times I wish that was also me. If you are struggling with jealousy, maybe it is because you are also struggling with the next misconception.
“If I’m not dating, I’m not advancing in life”
If you see your relationship status as a journey, then marriage would be the destination, dating would be the drive there, and singleness would be a flat tire before you can even leave the start. A flat tire has you stuck where you are, and similarly, many feel like singleness is being stuck on the journey. This viewpoint however is an unhealthy way to approach relationships. I view singleness, dating, and marriage as three separate seasons in life that are equally important, equally beneficial, and equally enjoyable, each in their unique ways. In his book, single. dating. engaged. married., Ben Stuart talks about how singleness is a time for undistracted devotion to the Lord. I’ve found so many benefits to being single and this season has given me complete control over my time in a way that I will most likely never have again. If you are struggling with understanding the purpose of singleness, or just want to learn about what it looks like to be in those three stages, I highly recommend picking up his book or checking out his free video series online!
“Everyone else around me is dating, I should date”
Life is full of seasons, and our seasons look different for different people. The depth, the pace, the lessons, the order, it all varies for each person. Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “comparison is the thief of joy”. If you decide what to do based on those around you, you’ll rob yourself of the joy of singleness, then of the joy of dating, and finally the joy of marriage. As my friends start dating, I dive deeper into prayer asking the Lord whether or not singleness is still the right season for me. I encourage you to do the same. If you think you’ve found the right person, but still don’t feel like it is your time to date, this quote has transformed my thinking: “the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.” Time can change both people in the equation. Maybe this individual will come around again, but I believe the right person will come at the right time.
“The Bible wants me to be dating”
Okay, I hear what some of you must be thinking: “Not only are my friends dating David, but the Bible also wants me to date.” Let’s start off with the fact that the Bible doesn’t explicitly address dating. Granted, the Bible does talks a lot about marriage, relationships, and romance. Not only is it discussed in contexts like Genesis 2:24, but the Bible also uses marriage to describe the relationship between Christ and the Church. However, let’s look at other things the Bible says. In 1st Corinthians 7:8, Paul straight out says
“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.”
The Bible doesn’t place singleness as second best. In Ecclesiastes 3, we read that there is a time for everything under the sun. If you are currently in a
season of singleness, check out what the Bible has to say about that:
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 7:32 NIV
“Dating/Marriage will give me a fulfilling life”
If you are expecting something or someone from this world to fulfill you, I’m sorry, you’ll be disappointed. No job, hobby, amount of money, physical shape, social status, location, entertainment, or even relationship will fulfill you. Period. The only thing that can truly, perfectly, and permanently fulfill you is Jesus Christ. Will that promotion bring you fulfillment? How about the vacation trip to that remote destination? How about your marriage? I hope those things bring you joy and fulfillment, but I can guarantee that it’ll be fleeting.
“Dating is doing something right, singleness is doing something wrong”
This misconception is slightly more subtle in our society, but I believe it is prevalent nonetheless. If you are in a relationship, it does not necessarily mean that there is something better about your character or that you are making the right decisions and choices. It does not place you above those who are single. The inverse is also true. If you are single, it does not necessarily mean that there is something worse about your character or that you are making bad decisions and choices. It doesn’t place you below those who are dating. As humans, we will always have areas to improve, even decades into a relationship. As a culture, however, we need to abolish the concept of singleness as inferior.
Singleness is a season meant to be enjoyed and used to its fullest! Let’s not miss the benefits of now. Let’s thrive in our singleness!
